She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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