You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
