i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
