Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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