My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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