just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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