Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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