i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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