i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
