cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
