where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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