do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
