You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You can't motorboat a personality
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
