fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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