i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Welp...herpes.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize