New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
