Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
