He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
