I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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