did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
