The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize