Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
