my phone needs a breathalizer
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
