we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
