you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
