My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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