Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
