You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Shame - the story of my life.
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