how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
