Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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