Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
