I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
