Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
