I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
