i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
