I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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