can we get nightvision for the apartment?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The air was thick with penises
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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