Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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