I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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