i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
