I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
