he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
