Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I intend to get homeless drunk
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
