Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize