Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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