you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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