so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
