I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
