atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
