Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
