Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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