is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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