Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
