NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize