I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
