I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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