We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
