Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
