My Higher Power is John Stamos
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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