1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
