So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
