He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
