If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize