went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
