I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
