Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
