i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
