had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
